I was on the bus today, and felt really chubby, awkward, and self-conscious. I didn't really get dressed, so it was mostly my fault for being a greasy-haired vagrant. I found a seat in the back of the bus, and felt like someone was looking at me. I looked up from my phone to find a woman dressed like it was 1992 staring at me from the front of the bus. We made eye contact, so I gave her a little smile. I could tell that she was still looking, so I look up again. She blurts out, across the entire bus, "You look just like my daughter!!!!!!" I chuckle, say, "Oh, how funny." She continues, "No seriously, you look JUST like her, it's uncanny!!!!" At this point the whole bus is looking at my frumpy self, and I'm feeling even more self-conscious than before. I just smile, because I am completely unsure of what to do in this situation. She just doesn't stop, "I just can't believe it! You look just like her...I almost gave you a hug when you walked by.. UH! I just, I just can't believe this!" Thankfully, I wasn't on the bus long, but when I got off she looked at me though the window. She was just smiling and moved her head with me as the bus pulled away.
My personal favorite bus passenger is a woman I affectionately refer to as "Urban Cowgirl". So I'm riding the #11 bus home from work and UC and her friend are waiting at the stop. UC's friend gets on and the bus driver lowers the ramp for UC (her trusty steed is a wheelchair that she maneuvers with the dexterity of a drunken sloth). UC is a mid-50s black woman with a cowboy hat, braids, and a single pink hair extension. It takes her AT LEAST 5 minutes to wheel up the ramp and get in position to lock her wheelchair in. Because she is drunk and singing, she struggles to lock the wheelchair in, and finally gives up an summons the [overworked, underpaid] driver to help her. As he reluctantly assists her, UC finds it fitting to belt out everyone's favorite song, popularized by WalMart commercials: "Rollin', rollin', rollin'", meanwhile UC's friend loudly apologizes to bus passengers for "dis drunk bitch". Seven minutes after these shenanigans begin, we're finally rollin' rollin' rollin' again... bus as soon as we begin moving, UC pulls the stop request cord to depart our chariot of fire... two blocks after she got on.
It was rush hour. I was sitting in the window seat, and there was this bigger guy sitting next to me. He wasn't huge, but he definitely came into my space a bit. The car was pretty packed, but then started to thin out, so there were plenty of seats. At some point, his girlfriend, mistress, whatever, gets on the train too. Instead of moving to a place where they could sit next to each other, she simply sat on his lap. She wasn't small either. So, on a mostly empty train car, I'm smooshed against the window so that they can cuddle.
I entered the station this morning, and heard the purple line coming. Granted, I didn't know it was the Purple Line, but if it was, I wanted to catch it. So, I hurry through the turnstile, and book it to the escalator. I start jogging up the escalator, but am stopped by two people, who are standing single file, but each person's luggage is to their sides. At this point, two guys behind me had bolted up the escalator, too. We all had stopped behind these two inconsiderate people. These people didn't even turn around and look at us, or acknowledge that we needed to get by, and it was obvious they had heard us coming. Missed my train. Late for work.
One morning on the way to work, I got on the train, only to find I'd picked the car full of drunken hobos to ride on. Two or three guys were in the back of the car sharing a bottle of vodka, and one was standing in the aisle singing kind of loudly to himself. Nothing too major for a Chicago train, so I just sat down as far away from them as I could and pulled out a magazine to read. Well, the one guy didn't stay to himself for long. He was drunk as hell, and he fell over. Instead of sitting in one of the many empty seats around, he pulled off his belt and tried to use it to lash himself to the seat so he could remain standing. This didn't work, so he got very frustrated and started swinging his belt around and shouting insults at the seat. While all of this was happening, a few more people had gotten on the car, a couple of old ladies with bibles who sat down in a seat together, and a young dude with a backpack. The young dude took an immediate dislike to the drunk man shouting and flailing about with his belt, so he walked closer and said "Hey, man, please just calm down and be quiet. We're all just trying to have a nice morning here, be cool." That set the drunk OFF. "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!? WHAT AM I, A FUCKING S**C, THAT I TAKE ORDERS FROM A N****R?" That's when I saw the young guy pull out a pair of black gloves and slip them on. He walked over to the drunk, pulled him out of his seat, said "Man, I asked you nicely..." and fucking decked him. He must have broken the guy's nose with the first punch, all of a sudden there was blood everywhere. The drunk started screaming, so the young dude grabbed his belt from the seat, whipped it around his neck, and started choking him. One of the old women said "He DID tell you...", and that's when the other homeless guys realized no one was going to stop this. They hit the emergency communication button and told the conductor someone had been attacked, so the conductor stopped the train at the next station and threw all the doors open. When the young dude saw the conductor coming, he slipped through the door between cars, exited right behind the conductor's back, and ran down the station steps. The conductor hauled the wounded drunk from the train, all of the other passengers exited that car and found a new one, and we were back on our way. The cops were never called, and the conductor just left the drunk on a bench on the station platform. All of this took place between Jarvis and Berwyn, just seven stops. I wasn't even late for work...
I was on my way home, and this guy across from me just kept staring at me. Not just like looking at me, but like, his eyes were piercing my soul. He wouldn't stop. I tried looking out the window, kept "texting," but no matter what I did, he just kept staring. I looked up from my phone to see if he was still looking, and he was. Not only that, but he then licked his lips at me and winked... So I put in my headphones. Finally, he got off the bus, and tried to make a sexy biting motion at me, then licked his lips again. So. Uncomfortable.
It was a balmy mid-September night, a Friday or Saturday around 11:30pm, and I was on my way home from work. I hopped on the last car of train because I find it's usually the least horrible, but I was wrong that night. The first thing I saw when I hopped on the train was a large, wet mess covered with that granular vomit-absorbing junk (like in elementary school!) and a few pages from the RedEye. Someone with janitorial supplies had obviously seen this slop and just covered it up! I only had to ride two stops down the line, so I just stood as far from it as possible. I snapped a picture before I got off, and when I got home I e-mailed the CTA with my concerns. They promised to "look into the matter". I replied that that wasn't good enough, the train was already dangerous enough due to thieves and crazies, so they should at least ensure passengers aren't exposed to hepatitis or HIV, and I attached the picture. After that, all I got back was a "THIS IS AN AUTOMATIC MESSAGE. DO NOT REPLY." Assholes.
I study Russian, and was studying on the train on my way to class. A guy across from me saw my book, and started talking at me. He told me how Russian is full of "goddamn Jews," and how the Cold War isn't over. He then proceeded to say that there are Soviet spies, Jews of course, who live among us, and try to control our thoughts. The US government won't do anything about it, though, because, obviously, the Jews control the banks. He said that if the government interfered, our economy would fail even more. I listened politely for a few moments. Then I said, "You know, sir, I'm Jewish." To which he grabbed his crucifix necklace, kissed it while staring at me, and got off the train. wtf.
I got done with jury duty one day and got on the train with a fellow juror. It was a nice, sunny summer day and we were waiting for the train to leave. A few people got on as we sat at talked. All of a sudden, we noticed that something smelled really bad. We looked around for the cause. It took us a few minutes, but then we figured out that the stench was coming from one of the guys who had gotten on the train. We noticed that a few flies were hovering around him, and then we realized why. The dude, who was wearing jean shorts, had SHIT on the back of his legs and knees, literally human SHIT! And what was worse was that it was mildly crusty. So he hadn't even just shit his pants, it had been there for a while. After he got off at one of the stops, we all noticed that there was shit left behind on the seat from his legs. The whole rest of the ride, every stop when someone would go to sit down everyone on around would have to yell, "Don't sit there! It's shit!"
I was all dressed up for a job interview, and this guy sat next to me...there were tons of open seats. He wasn't creepy or forward or anything, but I was preparing for my job interview and also have a boyfriend, so I wasn't really up for small talk. He mentioned that he was a dance and math double major. Seeing an opportunity, I said, "My boyfriend is a math major, too." (not a lie). Upon hearing that, he said, "Well this is my stop, have a good day." He got off the train, and then bolted to the car behind us.
There was this really sexy conductor on the train, let's call him Jason. I mean, he was dreamy: he had a really tight butt, a square jaw and a hot face, and a super sexy voice. A friend of Jason's was on the train one day, and started talking to me, telling me that Jason used to be a dancer at Chippendales. I got so excited at the thought of Jason shaking his money maker and exclaimed, "Oh I could TOTALLY see that!" Well, Jason heard and then played along with his friend, thoroughly enjoying the fact that I had an obvious crush on him and I really thought he had been a dancer. After about 45 minutes of me begging Jason to dance for me, since no one else was in the car with us, Jason performed one of the most erotic dances I had ever seen. There was a lot of thrusting. It was hot, I was thrilled, and so incredibly turned on. I told him, sincerely and in awe, that was the best Chippendales dancer there ever was. I'm sure he could tell that I was totally enamored. Then Jason and his friend blurted out laughing and told me that Jason had never been a Chippendales dancer; of course, they continued laughing at how gullible I was until I painstakingly managed to get off at my stop. I still don't know what to believe, but for about thirty seconds on the train that day, all of my wildest fantasies came true. Too bad I had to face Jason every day for the rest of the school year, and he never let me forget it.
